We're all in this together. Seriously. You may suffer, you may fall, you may have to pick yourself up all on your own, but you're not alone. We grow off of one another, bound by a human condition to a world getting smaller and smaller as we multiply, as travel and the internet connect us. Just as our individual ideas and interpretations define us, each of us defines humanity, which in turn, defines us more. It's an inescapable Mobius loop that lays the foundation for all we can understand.
We are, together, one organism,
with Truth being its sustenance.
For this reason, when I choose to write, I'm brutally honest to the point that it may hurt deeply. Granted, a fair amount of what I write is fiction, but the underlying themes are as real as the letters I've use to create this sentence. My characters are flawed, often in the way that I'm flawed. They fail in the ways we fail. So when we get into the realm of nonfiction, when we stop using metaphors and get to the bone of the matter, I owe it to the world that's defined me to show every facet of the Truth I can see. It's my sacrifice to humanity, given with reverence and humility. I can only pray it's accepted. So here we go...
I'm bipolar.
There's nothing I can do to fix that other than taking the medication and eating appropriately, making sure I get enough sunlight and recognizing when I'm manic.
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From there, I have options. I can let loose with every demon from my past and present, shut my mouth and deal with whatever's going on through clenched teeth, or my favorite go-to, I can leave, turn my phone off and distract myself. It's a constant battle, but a battle I'm very familiar with fighting. I know when to stick and when to move. I know I've done beautiful and horrible things because of this. I've taught lessons and I've learned them.
Though I'm still learning, you'd never know about this unless I told you. And now I have. Hopefully this will help people understand how pervasive bipolar disorder is and how to respond to it. And speaking of progress, on to another truth.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
I was a bartender for 10 years, the entire time suffering from issues dealing with the former and latter paragraphs. Let's reword this. I'm a bipolar writer suffering from PTSD who was also a bartender. That's 4 red flags at once.
When I realized I had a problem, it still took two years for me to find a solution. All of these issues were interconnected, giving them a daunting strength whose sum was far more than its parts. In time, however, I quit my job as a bartender, regulated the medication I was taking, and wrote a graphic novel about my experiences in the Marine Corps, all of which aided in my own personal growth out of the prison that is alcoholism.
But before that, I was interviewed about alcoholism. Publicly. And I couldn't be more proud that I stepped up. I may still have a drink or two from time to time, but only in moderation and with a well-founded respect towards the effects of it. It was a huge challenge. One that far too many of us suffer. But it can be remedied. PTSD can't. Which brings me to the last major issue.
I have PTSD.
I did two tours in Afghanistan in the Marine Corps infantry.
For a decade after I left, I kept partying, thinking I was gonna die the next day. Thinking that I could die a violent death and go join my friends that I had lost. Or maybe find Valhalla. Or nothingness. It didn't matter.
But over time I realized that I wasn't going to die tomorrow. That I had to plan for the future. That accidentally hurting the people sleeping next to me, wanting to kill, rather than fight, not being able to stand the sight of children, and waking up every day with panic attacks wasn't a way to live.
I've been through years of counseling and wrote a graphic novel called Once a Marine, where I told my portion of the Truth. It almost killed me. But now I sleep far better, try to walk away from fights, I love kids, and I only have panic attacks roughly once a week. Also, I hope again.
Many people suffer from one or more of these issues. Many more have suffered far worse. I'm not bragging or looking for sympathy. I only strive to share my view of the Truth in order to be a part of the organism we know as humanity. Because when one of us suffers, we all suffer. So the next time you fall or fail or soar, for that matter, remember that you aren't the only one that this is happening to. Remember that we're all in this together.